Why Giving Up Control Is the Secret to Losing Weight (And Peace of Mind)
- Coach Alan
- 5 hours ago
- 5 min read
All the lessons that life taught me were learned through the school of hard knocks. And one of the greatest but most difficult was this: To gain control, you have to give it up.
In this article, I will discuss this paradox in the context of weight loss. However, the lesson can be applied more broadly and has the power to positively impact your inner and outer life.
The Weight Loss Lesson That Took Me Years to Learn
I first encountered this concept many years ago through a book on Stoicism by the Greek philosopher Epictetus.
To say the least, he was a bit of an extremist: "Even your children are not yours."
Although an extreme perspective, it holds a lot of truth.
Be it your hand, your child, your partner, or your job, anything that can be taken from you is not truly yours.
This doesn't mean you should resist the natural sense that these things are yours, nor become an extremist like Epictetus and morph into an emotionally detached rock.
Care and love who and what is truly important to you.
It simply calls on you to recognise what is under your control and influence, and what isn't, and to bring your attention to the former, especially when you get carried away by the latter.
Why You Can't Think Your Way to a Healthy Weight
So what falls into the uncontrollable category?
Almost everything outside of your conscious awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.
And I use the phrase "conscious awareness" deliberately.
I do not mean that you control all of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.
Far from it.
As I finished writing that last sentence, I realised that while doing so, I had scratched my left nostril.
That wasn't a conscious choice.
It was spontaneous, automatic, and beyond my control entirely.
The same is true of many of our thoughts and emotions.
Try not to picture a green, crunchy apple as you read this line. You couldn't help it, could you? I planted that image. You didn't choose it.
You could even say it choose you..
The Philosophy Behind Letting Go of Weight Loss Outcomes
While we don't control all of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, we can positively influence them.
And we do that by connecting with what I call the "observer."
As I write this, I'm sitting at my window.
Clouds drift across a clear blue sky. Each cloud represents a thought, an emotion, a behaviour passing through.
I am not the clouds, and I don't control them. I am the one watching them from a distance.
Here's another way to look at it.
As you read this sentence, you can hear your own voice inside your head.
You are the listener of that voice, not the voice itself.
The Tennis Player Mindset: What Elite Performance Teaches Us About Weight Loss
Now, back to gaining control by giving it up.
Imagine you are a world-class tennis player. Mid-match, you're caught in your own head, replaying poor shots that have already passed, dreading mistakes you fear are coming.
You're lost in the past and the future, both of which are outside your control, and you've lost sight of the only moment that actually is within it: right now.
Do you think you'll perform at your best?
But if you gave up trying to control what you can't, the past, the future, the outcome, and instead placed all your attention on the present moment, something shifts.
Not only are you likely to maintain composure and perform better, but in doing so, you become far more likely to positively influence the very outcome you let go of chasing.
What Is Actually Within Your Control When It Comes to Weight Loss?
So what does any of this have to do with weight loss?
More than you might think.
Let's start with what is not within your complete control.
Your weight, for one.
You cannot will the number on the scale to change at an instant, and even if you do everything in your power, you cannot guarantee you'll hit and stay at a specific number.
Weight encompasses more than just fat, which is under your influence.
This means that while you may lose fat, due to hormonal factors, for example, the scales might stay the same or swing up and down like a yo-yo.
Nor do you have complete control over every food choice or exercise decision you ever made or will ever make.
What is within your control is something far more subtle and far more powerful.
Your ability to notice when you've been swept up by an unhelpful cloud.
A craving, a defeatist thought, a habit pulling you off course.
And your ability, in that moment, to step back into the observer's seat and ask: Is this thought or behaviour helpful? And if not, what would be a more helpful, values-based thought or behaviour to focus on right now?
That gap, between the cloud and your response to it, is where real change happens.
As for what sits in between, what is under your influence rather than your control: your exercise, nutrition, and lifestyle habits, even your health, strength, and body fat levels, along with your growing ability to practise everything we've explored in this article.
How to Stop Obsessing Over the Scale and Still Get Results
The parallel to the tennis player is exact.
When you stop fixating on past slip-ups, stop dreading future ones, and stop forcing your way toward an outcome you can't directly command, and instead keep returning, again and again, to the present moment and the observer within it, you are far more likely to behave in a way that is both helpful and sustainable.
And in doing so, you quietly but significantly increase the likelihood of reaching the very outcomes that were never fully yours to control in the first place.
One final thought on what giving up control actually means.
It does not mean abandoning the things you have been trying to control.
Nor does it mean that by releasing your grip, you will somehow indirectly gain control over them. That would still be trying to control.
True surrender doesn't work that way.
What it means is this: you gain more internal control and stability, which allows you to show up better and more effectively for the things that matter most to you. Be that your kids, your partner, your job, or above all, yourself.
About The Author
Coach Alan is a qualified ITEC Level 3 Personal Trainer with over 9 years of coaching experience, and the founder of Mind Body Training, where he works as an online personal trainer in Ireland to help clients achieve sustainable fat loss and long-term behaviour change. He is also a qualified Integrative Psychotherapist, having completed his four-year training with the Irish Institute of Counselling and Psychotherapy (IICP). His coaching approach is informed by evidence-based principles from psychology, nutrition, and exercise science, with a strong focus on mindful habit formation and realistic lifestyle change. You can learn more about Coach Alan here.
Mind Body Training provides coaching, education, and personal training services, not personal therapy or clinical counselling. Clients seeking therapeutic support are encouraged to work alongside a different qualified mental health professional where appropriate.
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